It's Complicated

So, often in my life I have heard the term it's complicated, and in so many different ways I've found that this phrase is what you make of it. Life, yes can be complicated, but it is how you deal with it that truly shows that it can easily not be complicated if you deal with it correctly. However, in the last five months I have found that for the first time in my life it is complicated and there's nothing I can do to fix it and no way for me to truly be able to handle it. This pregnancy has been nothing but complication after complication and constantly my faith in God and everything being okay is being tested. I have tried to stay positive, but in reality deep down I am always scared and hating going to the doctor to hear that there is yet another complication. So often people tell me that pregnancy is an amazing experience, but for me it hasn't and it's been difficult for me because I feel like a bad mom already when I say that it hasn't been a amazing....

Instead I have hated it. I hate that this is something I can't fix and no way for me to be able to control what is going on with my body. I have someone that is relying on me, yet, I can't do anything to make everything work out. I am sure this is what motherhood is all about, but if it is going to be this hard the whole time, how am I ever going to be good at it? How can I take care of someone when it's out of my control? How can I accept that I cannot always be what my child needs? So like I said, this is complicated. It's complicated that every doctors appointment tells me something is wrong and the worst part is that there's something wrong with me every time....not the baby. Is this a sign already that I am not going to be a strong mother? The worst part about this is that I have been dealing with it all alone. Luckily Bryant is coming home next week, but every hardship of this pregnancy I have had to accept alone and find a way to deal with it alone. I thought this all was suppose to be the easy part, but if this is this hard how is the rest of my life going to be? Am I always going to feel as alone as I do now?

I guess it's really true when you hear "It's complicated"...