Another New Beginning

I stumbled upon my blog again and laughed at myself that I cannot commit to writing on a regular basis. Granted I still write regularly, but not here; however, it is not as if anyone if thriving for my next big event. Yet, I do miss getting on here; I find that it is my secret way of reaching out for a chance to speak my darkest fears, biggest dreams, failures, triumphs and simple exploration of becoming the woman that I am destined to become.

Since my last entry, the military has given me yet another "new beginning". It's a new city, a new school, a new role in my life. Some people love the start over aspect and also the chance for change, but I find that I dread it. I tend to revert back to the teenage girl I used to be that doubted myself and feared building new relationships. Instead of feeling confident that I can bring good things into people's lives, I often find myself doubting if I am enough. I recently met someone who told me that she admires the confident woman that I am; I struggled to not tell her wrong she truly is about me. Instead I smiled and said thank you.

I do realize now with Leilani being three that it is crucial I reflect a confidence in not only myself, but in the world we live in. I know that my choices are painting the picture of what she sees as normal or acceptable and I want her to believe in herself a way that I've never been able to believe in myself. I understand now how parents want more for their children. So, here I am in this new beginning and praying for guidance in a place I plan to finally call home. God hears me, I know, and he has already slowly begun to bring people into my life, which I am dearly grateful for. Yet, I don't think these individuals realize how much I already cherish them for simply accepting me.

As well as finding my place with people, I have found that more and more I want to build on my relationship with God and his purpose for me. I want to be a better me and reflect what he yearns for me to be. Often I am told that I am already stretched thin, but I cannot help but feel like he wants me to do more. I am sure it will come out what exactly he wants for me to do. Just as I am sure that another new beginning will guide me into being a better person as well as help me define the next stage of my life. I recently read somewhere that every story has an ending, but in the story of life it only means a new beginning. So, while I miss the connections I have from my last "new beginning" I am looking forward to what this one will bring.