"The Inner Demon"

I sat here tonight and looked through some of my old posts, as well as some of my posts that were never posted, just saved as drafts and I found one that echoes what I have been feeling all weekend. The post was titled "My recent struggle" today though as I read it, I found myself thinking of that struggle as an actual demon. Morbid, I know, but what I thought would eventually be something I accepted has become what taunts me in almost every day.

In April, I wrote that I have the inability to feel beautiful. People that know me, know that my pregnancy weight gain has been such a struggle. I've heard the spiel of "your pregnant", "you look great", "you're all belly" and whatever else people want to add, but quite frankly that did nothing for me in April and does even less for me now at my thirty five week mark. I've been battling this demon of feeling disgusted all weekend and today I am beginning to feel overwhelmed by it.

Now, I look at myself knowing that it has gotten to a point that I have reached what the doctor has called my "obesity weight" and every day I look at food like it is the devil. No one ever tells you about this part of pregnancy. They tell you how much of a gift it is and how amazing it feels. No one tells you that you cry in the shower because you can't even bend down to shave your legs. No one tells you that there comes a point where even some of your maternity clothes start to feel snug. No one tells you that you become so self conscious of what you look like that you don't want even your husband to see you without your clothes. As I sit here and write this I also feel guilty because of the fact that I feel like it makes me sound so vain, but I also realize that I feel this way because I am finally voicing the things that pregnant women do feel but don't express.

Something else I realized this weekend is that I haven't felt beautiful or even sexy since Bryant has been home. I am constantly afraid of what he sees when he looks at me. Then, I realized why I feel this way also...he wasn't hear at the beginning. He wasn't here to watch me grow. He left and I was skinny only to come back to me being about 15 pounds heavier. He wasn't here for the gradual changes, only the obvious ones. It's so heartbreaking to feel like he doesn't look at me the way he used to. I know this is all temporary and I've heard every pep-talk in the book...but it doesn't change the emptiness I feel inside. Am I excited to be a mom? Yes...and I try to focus on that, but I don't care what anyone says...what pregnancy does to a woman's body will never be something that a woman can just accept...