The Role of the Working Mommy

Here I am, two weeks after I started back at work and finally having a moment for myself. To be honest, that moment is me sitting on the couch and Leilani playing in her "gym". Since Leilani has been born, I have been surprised as to how easy motherhood was for me. Before having her, I was  overwhelmed with feelings of panic and fear that life as a mom would be something I wouldn't be able to do. Once I had her, my mindset changed;  I felt like my fears were because all I listened to were the horror stories that everyone told me about being a mom and I realized that being a mom was the role God placed me on this earth to fulfill.

However, in the last two weeks reality has set in and motherhood has become a bit challenging. Not necessarily because Leilani has become difficult, but because as much as I love being in the classroom and coaching, I love being her mom more. I hate that she is in daycare for almost 12 hours a day. I feel like I am failing her because I am not there more. When I am home with her it's usually close to her bedtime or all I want to do is hold her and do nothing else. I look back on my childhood and think about how much my parents missed of my life because of their work schedules, and I fear that will happen to my baby girl. So, for two weeks all I keep telling myself is that volleyball is almost over and that I refuse to miss my daughters life. I just have to make sure I stick to that.

In addition to my worry of not being there, I am also trying to adjust to the role of  the "working mom". I have found that I am exhausted all of the time. I don't bring work home so that I can focus on my family, but that only causes me to stress throughout the day.On top of that, when I get home, I'm in a cycle of making sure everything is set for the next day and the evening hasn't even started yet. When I am at work I think of her, and when I am home I accomplish holding her until she falls asleep. This of course causes me to be up later prepping for the next day.

The good news is she is sleeping through the night...well most of the time. My first week she decided to be up twice a night, which is not like her because she's like mommy at night and loves her sleep. Yet, now she's back to her regular sleeping hours. Now, I am battling the issues of her already being sick from daycare, and having to leave her every day. Those of you who are moms can appreciate the difficulty of leaving your child in daycare for the first time. My case was no different from any other mom. I cried the night before, three times that morning and twice throughout the day. All I thought about was picking her up. I hated having to leave her to someone else; I felt guilty for loving my job and I felt like a bad mom by not putting her first. These feelings I am still struggling with...lets hope I get past them soon.

Yet, for now I will just continue to focus on what's to come: the end of volleyball season, the personal time to work out again, and the early afternoons with my little girl. I guess the role of the working mommy is mommy working to make life work.